You see it on TV all the time, hear it on the radio, in adverts, on other people's social media: love yourself before loving others, you're worth better, you're amazing, you deserve to be happy. The quotes and sayings go on and on. They all have one thing in common — they promote self-worth, but no one explains how to find it. Today we're doing exactly that, so let's look at how to find our self-worth, starting right now.
What is self-worth, really?
Self-worth, for a basic description, is the sense of one's own value as a person — self-esteem, self-respect. Simple, clean and easy to find and harvest, right? Not quite. Many of the clients we see who come in with a problem or an issue in life are missing this. It's a vital, integral part of what makes us happy, content, confident and assured — without it, we falter at nearly every hurdle. So let's get started and see if we can find it, or at least get us looking in the right direction.
No double standards
Most of us are happy to have a set standard for how we expect others to treat us, with respect and understanding when it's needed. So why not set the same standard for yourself? Ask yourself this: would it be okay for someone to stand in front of you and say, over and over, that you're useless, stupid, a failure? No — you wouldn't stand for that from anyone else. So why is it acceptable to tell yourself that, again and again?
If you tell yourself something often enough, you'll believe it. So let's change that inner voice. Negative self-talk leads to self-doubt, and that affects your self-worth — so replace it with how you'd want others to talk to you: compliments and encouragement. Repetition is the key here too, and soon you'll find that telling yourself something over and over makes you believe it, just as easily in the positive direction. Don't accept from yourself what you wouldn't accept from others.
Don't make your self-worth conditional on other people
Once you try to live up to an image of what you think others want you to be, you lose your self-worth. Instead, you're following a compass set by other people's expectations, whether or not those expectations were ever clearly stated. Unfortunately, many people live this way — making choices about what to study, what career to follow, where to live, or how many children to have, all based on what parents, spouses, friends or the media seem to expect. That comes from being afraid to stand up for your own preferences and respect your own self-worth. It's a shame to live your life for someone else.
Be wary of people who regret the choices they made in life and inflict that regret, or their anger about it, onto others. Such people won't show you the way to your own self-worth — instead, they may try to live out what they missed through you, or expect you to have the same experience they had, and won't always give you the full picture to help you choose differently. This is your time, your life, and it's up to you to live it how you see fit — not to be a people-pleaser.
Forgive yourself
Responsibility means giving up the use of blame as a way of coping — blame removes the need to look at yourself and change your own behaviour. That might feel like the easier option, but it leaves you stuck in time, stuck with negative feelings, and feeling helpless. Blame implies someone or something else has the power that you don't, and if that isn't giving up, what is?
Don't blame your parents, the government, or your neighbours for the thinking that goes on inside your own head. They may have made things harder for you, but you can understand that without using it as an excuse to reduce your own self-worth. The responsibility to move on as a strong, whole person rests with you.
Value what you have
Stop looking at what you don't have. Life is life, and right now we have what we have — looking at what others have, and wanting it for yourself, isn't going to help you. Make a list of what's good in your life, and what you're thankful for. If we constantly look at what others have, we only end up concentrating on the negative. With good advice, hard work and the right mindset, those things can come in time. For now, enjoy and be proud of what you have, however little you might think it is.
Wealth doesn't come in the form of possessions or money. Some of the richest people on the planet, by any measure that actually matters, have the least to show for it in possessions or money — and plenty of people with a lot of both are far from content. It's the same with life and your sense of worth: value what you have today, and tomorrow will be what it will be.
Commit to change
If we want to improve our self-worth, let's actually improve it, rather than just saying we want to. What's stopping you from waking up and telling yourself the good things in life before the day starts? What's stopping you from looking at the glass as half full? The only real limitation is yourself. Decide to make improvements and stick to them, even on the days you don't feel like it. Commit fully, and you'll change.
Grab opportunities
Opportunities present themselves in all sorts of ways — recognising and acting on them is a different matter. Part of building self-worth is learning to spot opportunities, however small, and working with them. Sometimes that calls for patience. Other times, for restraint. Whatever the case, take the opportunities life offers and make the most of them, and try turning challenges into opportunities. Start with the smallest things, and change your language by swapping negative words for ones that reflect purpose, direction and focus. Don't swing to the other extreme either, life still has its thorns, but pair a realistic view with the determination to keep striving for better.
As always, have a great day, whatever you do with it.
