I have made so many mistakes it would take a lifetime to explain them all. I have loved, laughed, cried and been broken beyond belief. I have ruined perfectly good relationships, as they have me. I forgive everyone who has done me wrong in life, but up until a few years ago, I lived with extreme guilt and self-loathing over the two main mistakes I made in life. The first was the fallout with my mother prior to her leaving the planet, and the second was the distance in my relationship with my brother before he left this world.
Both induced serious guilt, to the point that the burdens felt heavy on my shoulders each and every day, and I knew I had to change that.
The emotion of guilt is a very heavy burden to carry. Combined with the anxiety it can create, it can eat you alive at a moment’s notice. I discovered how very important letting go and forgiving myself for these mistakes was. Here, we will share with you how you can begin to make that happen if you’re living with overwhelming guilt on a daily basis.
Be honest with yourself
You know deep down whether you have given everything to the thing you’re feeling guilty about or not. You know if you did everything you could or only tried a little. It’s usually the second one that makes us feel guilty, but that being said, people with anxiety problems do find that the first is also applicable.
Everything really does happen to us for a reason, and mostly it is to teach us a lesson so we don’t make the same mistake twice. Let me ask you this question: if you could do it differently now, in relation to the thing that’s causing the guilt, what would you do?
That, you see, is the answer: the lesson you have taken from it. Becoming more understanding, tolerant and knowledgeable will allow you to move forward and not make the same choice again.
Don’t try to lie and cover up your part in it. It’s okay to make mistakes, make wrong choices and follow your emotional side in life. The point is to look at it, understand that it didn’t work out for you that way, and not repeat it. Only by being 100% honest with ourselves can we get the answer.
That gut feeling telling you that you were wrong is worth examining, but feeling guilty does not automatically mean you were at fault. Be honest with yourself about your part in it, own what is yours and learn from it.
Understand the weight of guilt as an emotion
Guilt can eat away at you all day long. It’s an emotion that serves as a reminder that we are human and, at times, we can make the wrong call in life. It reminds us of the consequences of repeating the same behaviour or action and the fallout from it.
This is a normal human emotion. If you learn to deal with it, understand it and accept it, it too can pass. Where a mistake was made, make an effort not to repeat it.
Again, we have to say that doing the same thing time and time again can bring the same result. This one isn’t going too well, so to help avoid it in the future, change the behaviour.
Be humble
Do not worry about losing face or not looking strong. Some things in life are much more important than how others perceive you. That’s all these things really are: a simple perception you want to put across to people.
If you have to carry out an action to make something better, then do it. If you have to apologise and admit you were wrong, again, do it. It’s okay to show the world how strong you are, but when it comes at the cost of your emotional balance, that is a price too heavy to pay.
You see, the world may look on and say, “Wow, that is a strong person right there who won’t back down.” But you are the one who closes your door at night and is left alone with your thoughts and emotions.
You have to understand that our emotions are a huge part of our lives. So much of what we do depends on how we feel. Think about it for a second: if you were asked to leave something behind, for whatever reason, how would you make that call? A lot of it comes down to how you feel, and, as we know, feelings are emotions. You must make sure yours are preserved and looked after, first and foremost, each and every day.
The guilt may be real, but is it fact?
I stopped living my life based purely on emotion a long time ago and made the switch to looking at facts and outcomes. Decisions made in the heat of emotion can sometimes turn out to be less helpful than we hoped. Emotion alone does not give us the full picture of what is right or wrong, or what the future outcome will be. It tells us how we feel in that split second.
Ask yourself this: what is it I feel guilty about, and what can I do now to change it? Write it down, look at it, and the answer may become clearer.
Okay, the thing you have to do is rarely easy, but life isn’t easy, and at times we have to make hard choices. If you decide to take a step that acknowledges the guilt and your part in it, but you feel embarrassed about doing it, DO IT.
Embarrassment may last a few seconds, minutes or maybe even hours. It can come and go, like the other emotions, but the gift at the end may be beginning to ease the one emotion that is hurting us right now.
You may already know what needs to be done. Looking at the facts, alongside your feelings, can help you make that choice. Remember, your now is not your forever. Sometimes we have to sit with a little emotional discomfort to move towards greater emotional fulfilment.
Life is a forward movement
Life moves forward every day. Time passes. People come and people go. Staying where you are and constantly feeling bad about something can keep you in situ.
Life is a one-shot opportunity. When it comes time to shuffle off this mortal coil, you do not get to say, “I wish I had been happier,” and have another go. That opportunity is never coming your way. You have the here and now, and what you decide to do today will help sculpt your tomorrow.
Forgive, apologise, make amends, reach out, understand and remember: we are only human at the end of the day. Whether or not it was your fault, you can now play a part in how you recover.
Guilt does not always go just because we don’t like it or want it around us. It can begin to ease when we accept, acknowledge and act. When I say act, I mean really act. Don’t just think about making it better. Where action is possible, follow through. Big, brave, bold consistency is what’s needed here.
Give yourself to you each and every day. You may not be able to choose every feeling that turns up, but you can influence how you respond and what you do next.
Acid can do more damage to the vessel it’s carried in than to the vessel we pour it over. Guilt can feel like that acid, so stop holding it in and feeling shitty about it all. You, like me, have loved, laughed, cried, got choices right and got choices wrong. I forgive myself and accept my choices. It’s about time you gave yourself the chance to do the same.
Remember why
Finally, always remember why this happened and what it can teach you. Remember the choices you made, right or wrong, leading up to it, and always look at what you could have done differently. Carry out an after-action review of the thing that’s causing you guilt. If this was your doing and you are at fault, work on forgiving yourself for your choices and, where appropriate, apologise to the people it affected.
Life really is a short journey and, as clichéd as it sounds, you have no idea what tomorrow brings. If you can do something to right a wrong with others and yourself, DO IT. Don’t put it off until tomorrow, as so much can be achieved in one day if that day is not tomorrow.
Mistakes become a problem when we repeat them without learning. The thing you can begin to change right now is how you respond to guilt. Take one step today. Who knows what your emotional balance will be tomorrow? It could be a damn sight better than the one you sit with now.
