We hear it day after day after day here at Mullins Therapy:
“I just can’t let go of the memories.”
It can feel that way, but change is possible. Some memories will stay with you forever, and they can always be looked on with grace and elegance for what they were at that time. Some memories, however, can do more harm than good. You see, memories are just that: some good, some bad and some very forgettable. If you hold on to the wrong ones, they can keep you locked down in a place you should have left a long time ago.
Let me explain.
We all have memories that we look back on with fondness and feel good about. We are emotionally attached to them, and they bring back a feeling of warmth, love, happiness and joy. Those memories are okay to keep with you and revisit every now and then. After all, what would life be without good memories to keep us happy and allow us to remember the good times?
I have a million memories and only ever look back at the good ones and those that were nice at the time. For example, if you had a memory of sitting in a small French wine bar on a cold New Year’s Eve in New York, sipping French martinis and having the time of your life in the middle of downtown New York, that would be a memory to keep hold of.
I mean, it would be like a scene from the world’s most romantic movie: all the hustle and bustle of New York, and you don’t notice anything apart from the look in each other’s eyes. It would be magical, yes? Of course it would, and you would keep that memory.
But what about a few months or years down the line, if the relationship ended? Would you still want to keep it? Well, that, I guess, would depend on the circumstances of the end of the relationship. This is the point we are trying to make: are the memories you keep holding on to damaging you in any way, or are they just plain old memories that don’t really do anything apart from putting a smile on your face?
Know the difference
So, the first thing we need to do is know which memories are helping and which are hurting. Let’s try it now, using an everyday memory that feels manageable to revisit. Close your eyes if that feels comfortable, take a nice, gentle breath in and briefly bring the memory to mind. Then open your eyes and ask a simple question: how do I feel right now?
Has it brought a smile to your face? Has it made you feel nice and warm, or are you sitting close to tears, panic, worry or heightened anxiety? If the answer is the second one, I would suggest it may be time to work on letting go and moving forward. Easier said than done, right? It can take practice and support. Let us show you one approach.
If the memory feels overwhelming, stop, open your eyes and bring your attention back to the room around you. For traumatic memories or flashbacks, seek support from a qualified mental health professional rather than trying to work through them alone.
Why is it painful?
As we already know, words can influence thoughts, and thoughts can influence emotions. It is often the emotional attachment to the memory that causes the pain. So, how would it feel if the emotional intensity were reduced? The memory could remain a thought without bringing the same level of pain or suffering.
That is what we are trying to do with these memories: create some emotional distance so the pain, hurt or sadness feels less intense. Some of our responses are shaped by experience, and, with practice and support, we can learn new ways of responding.
White it out
The idea is to set new patterns and retrain our minds to create some distance from memories that are hurtful to us. One visualisation method is called “White it out”. It takes practice and repetition, and some people find it helps them respond differently when a painful memory comes up. Use the same manageable memory you chose earlier, and stop if your distress increases.
Here we go. As the memory comes up, close your eyes if that feels comfortable and imagine it as a picture in front of you. Now imagine this picture has controls. The control we are interested in is the brightness button: the one where, if we turn it up too much, the screen becomes white.
Take the picture and start to turn the brightness up so it gets brighter and lighter, then brighter and lighter, until all you see is a white picture. Now fold it in half, and again and again, until it is the size of a stamp.
Then take a gentle breath in and, as you breathe out comfortably, imagine blowing it away until it is nothing more than the size of a pinprick. With one final, gentle breath out, imagine it disappearing.
Now open your eyes and notice how you feel. The intensity may have changed, or it may not have. Again, I have to stress practice and repetition with this method, but it is not a test and you do not need to force it. The aim is to change how you respond to the memory, not to erase what happened.
Make new, forget old
Are you sitting waiting for the world to do you a turn, help you out and deliver because you’re a good person, you deserve happiness or you deserve to be free from crippling emotions? Sorry, it isn’t going to happen simply because you wait for it. The world owes you nothing and will deliver exactly that.
What can happen is that you can make and create changes. When that happens, we can begin to come out of the hurt and turmoil we are in and start to make new, fresh memories. Happy memories. Memories that serve us and don’t damage us. We may not control every emotion, but we can influence how we respond.
Okay, so it’s time to make new memories. It’s time to take up that hobby or pastime you always wanted to try. It’s time to forge new friendships and relationships, if that’s what you want to do. Your own mind can sometimes put obstacles in the way, but you can start with one step that is possible for you.
Be bold and reach for the stars
We all have hopes and dreams, and for most people, that’s all they are: just hopes and dreams. But instead of them being just thoughts, what would happen if we made changes and put effort into making them a reality?
I’ll tell you what can happen: we can discover peace, contentment, happiness and fulfilment. You see, the world is full of amazing opportunities, and we have to work out how to make them a reality. When that happens, negative thoughts, emotions and memories can begin to have less hold over our lives.
Remember, the past is gone and can’t be changed. The future hasn’t arrived yet, and today is all we have. That’s why it’s called the present: because, if looked at properly, it really is a gift.
Remember: happiness by change, not chance.
