Someone once said to me, "pain is weakness leaving the body." That's not true. Pain comes in many different forms, and one of the most debilitating is emotional pain. It can leave you on your knees, make you feel you have nothing to live for, and consume you at a moment's notice, with no way out that you can see.
I wanted my life finished. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted it all to just go away so I could close my eyes and never feel anything like it again. I wanted the gut-wrenching, sick, heavy, sleepless, tearing emotional pain to simply stop.
If you feel like this right now, please talk to someone today. Call the Samaritans free on 116 123, at any hour. In an emergency, call 999.
So how do we overcome this, how do we move forward when it feels like all hope is lost? It comes down to self-preservation — the basic instinct to protect ourselves from harm. We do this by using our motivation, our drive, our determination. I know at this point you may feel you don't have any of that, and just want to lie down in a dark room and cry — but the only person who can take this pain away is you, and that's where intrinsic motivation comes in.
Let me explain quickly, for anyone who isn't sure, how motivation works — if you've heard this from me before, in a talk or a lecture, bear with me. There are two main types that drive us: intrinsic and extrinsic. Extrinsic motivation happens when we're motivated to do something to earn a reward or avoid a punishment. Intrinsic motivation involves doing something because it's personally rewarding — performing an activity for its own sake, rather than for an external reward.
Right now, the only person who matters is you. Yes, you're down, yes you're close to giving up — but you haven't. You're reading this, thinking about these words, and that alone is a small but real step. That's a fact, not just a thought.
Emotional pain can come from friends, family, a partner, children, or circumstance — there's a whole host of causes, but the response that helps is the same: intrinsic motivation. Here are four ways to start using it.
Build a daily routine
There's no point refusing to get up and open your eyes — your mind telling you that you can't is a lie. Physically, you're capable, so let's not think about it too much and just swing your legs out of bed. Start as you mean to go on today: shower, brush your teeth, put on clean clothes, and look alive, even if you only have to go to the shop. It matters, and it starts to install a new way of thinking, retraining yourself with the bigger picture in mind. Ask yourself what's physically stopping you from doing the small things, rather than what people might think of you — the truth is, most people are busy getting on with their own lives, not watching yours. Emotional pain is only as debilitating as we allow it to be, so let's start small, and start today.
Keep a positive mental attitude
Don't only think about the here and now — look at the bigger picture and the end result you want. Most people, when asked, say they just want to be happy and settled. Keep that end goal in sight and hold onto a positive attitude, because it is coming, and probably sooner than you think. We become how we think, so if we can concentrate on making today a good day, it will start slowly, but it builds. If you're always frustrated, sad or upset, your brain becomes accustomed to that — so, for today at least, let's live for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes.
Build in laughter
There are four primary chemicals in the brain that affect happiness: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins. Each is activated in a different way, but all are boosted by one common factor: laughter. So put something genuinely funny on in the background — a comedy show or film. You might not take in everything happening, but every so often you'll catch something, and before you know it you've smiled or laughed for a second. Notice that you can laugh, even briefly, and see if you can build on it tomorrow, and the day after. Time alone doesn't heal — what you do with that time is the real healer, so let's start today.
Interrupt overthinking
We all have intrusive thoughts that consume us without warning and pull at our sense of self. This is a visualisation technique that helped me stop obsessive thoughts early on. Like anything, it takes time, practice and repetition to re-train the patterns in the brain.
When the thought comes in, and you can picture it, try this:
- In your loudest inner voice, say "stop."
- Close your eyes and take five deep, slow breaths.
- Take the picture or thought and turn it into black and white.
- Concentrate on it, and as it appears in front of you, push it away into the distance until it's the size of a small pea.
- Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, imagine blowing it away until it disappears over the horizon.
- Straight away, inhale, and bring in a new picture with your breath — your children, a happy place, a happy time, something you lived and loved before all this.
- Turn the brightness up on that picture until it's bright and vivid, and concentrate fully on it: the colours, the actions, the sounds. Focus on every detail.
Now, how do you feel?
This does work, but it has to be done whole-heartedly, and repeated every time a thought arises. Repetition is the key.
These are just a few of the ways to use intrinsic motivation to get back on track. It really is central to overcoming emotional pain, and if you commit to it fully, it can change how you experience day-to-day life — fact will always outweigh a passing thought, so don't let your emotions control you. You control them, and, done consistently, every day can get a little better.
It's your life, so live it.
