On a night in August 2019, Margaret stood up in front of a room of 400 people and said she didn't want to be here any more. She described her pain and suffering, and everyone in the room, including Kevin Mullin, was reduced to tears. Kevin remembered every emotion and feeling he'd gone through earlier in his own life, and decided to step in. Months later, Margaret trained as a life coach, and now works to help others who find themselves in the position she was in. Here, she shares her thoughts and experience, in the hope that someone reading this who is close to the edge reconsiders and reaches out for help.
Where did the courage to speak out come from?
I honestly have no idea how I even managed to get on my feet. I remember telling another person standing up that I felt as if I'd just been pulled up out of my chair — she said the very same thing. I kept telling myself that if I wanted the pain to stop, the only way was to go to sleep and never wake up. I was actually running late that day. I'd set my alarm, but couldn't get myself out of bed, and something in my mind was telling me to get up and go. I arrived nearly two hours after it had started, and even then part of me was telling myself this was a waste of time. I was wrong — going that day turned out to be the best thing I did.
What changed everything?
It changed the second Kevin looked me in the eyes. His gaze never once left me. He took me by the hand and told me the pain I was in would stop, and asked if it was okay with me for him to help make that happen. I know I'm loved by my family and friends, and that they'd miss me, but it took a complete stranger to make me really understand this — and it happened in a heartbeat.
Do the thoughts still come back?
They can creep in, but I don't let them stay in my head any more. I know I do deserve to be here, and that was never the answer — I just thought, at the time, that my family would be devastated, and that would cause more pain than I was already in. Thoughts can be controlled and worked through, so they don't stay with me or make me feel bad now.
Where are you now?
I'm in a much stronger, better place mentally. I've had setbacks since that night — I lost my brother suddenly, and a close cousin I adored in very quick succession. I've accepted that life will be hard and harsh at times, but giving up isn't the answer. I also want to help other people see that, despite life being tougher than expected, it can also be a beautiful gift.
What would you say to someone in that dark place today?
Please, please reach out to someone. Talk to someone. Do not, under any circumstances, let yourself think that you not being here won't matter — it really will. You are here for a reason, it will get better, and you really do deserve this shot at life. So many people love and care for you, and even if you don't see that right now, the devastation and grief for everyone you leave behind would be worse than you can imagine. I promise you: your now is not your forever, and it will get better. It may not happen overnight, but it will.
Margaret has spoken openly about what she's been through, and now leads a life full of hope, not because she was given it, but because she made it a reality. If you're in the same position Margaret was in, please don't sit in silence.
