We spend half our lives pleasing others: doing what's best for them, avoiding our own opinions to keep the peace, and staying quiet when we really want to scream at the top of our voice, "stop, already."
The problem with people-pleasing is that we give everything to everyone else, and by the time it comes to giving something to ourselves, we've exhausted the energy and willpower needed to look after number one. And in case you're wondering who number one is, it's you.
Putting yourself first isn't selfish, it's a necessity. From this point on, try not to look at the word "selfish" with any negative connotation — it's a must, and here's how to do it.
If it feels wrong, don't do it
We all have an inner guide that lets us know when something seems off, or when it might make things worse. When it comes to anxiety, that could be things like going out for dinner, visiting in-laws, nights out or social engagements. If any of these increase your anxiety, worry or fear, and your gut is telling you no, listen to it. It hasn't been wrong before, and it isn't wrong now. This is all about you right now, and that calls for a good amount of self-preservation, love and understanding.
Say exactly what you mean
Don't say yes and mean no, or no and mean yes. Say things as you see them rather than trying to keep everyone else happy — right now, the priority is keeping you happy. We're trying to change our emotional set-up here, and the only way to do that is to show your subconscious new ways of doing things for it to pick up on and adapt to. Sometimes we have to break old habits to build new ones. This is part of that, even if the old way felt more comfortable, and it isn't working — a different result needs a different behaviour.
Never speak badly about yourself
Read that heading again. This matters on every level. We rarely lie to our own minds — we reject it almost straight away. Try it: repeat after yourself, "I am nine feet tall with green hair." Notice you didn't even try to say it properly.
The things you keep telling yourself are the things you end up believing. You are not worthless. You are not broken beyond repair. And you are not stupid — stupid people don't take the time to read, learn and see whether things can change. You are beautiful in every single way, no matter what your thoughts come up with at times. Remember, your now is not your forever, and it is going to change. You are going to beat this, recover, and one day smile so brightly that this phase, because it is only a phase, will barely register. Treat yourself with the same kindness, forgiveness and flexibility you'd want to show someone you love.
Never stop daydreaming that it will happen
Simple affirmations like "today I will be ok" often turn out to be empty statements on their own. Instead, close your eyes and picture the day you're anxiety-free. Really get into it: where are you, what are you doing, who's with you, what's being said. Look at yourself living it, anxiety-free, and stay with that image for as long as you can — that's so much more powerful than a statement you don't really believe anyway. A picture is worth a thousand words, and pictures like this go a long way towards changing how you feel.
Don't be afraid to say no
If you're reading this, something is probably out of balance and you're looking for answers. One of the important changes is regaining the ability to simply say no. You don't need to explain your reasoning — a simple "no, it's not for me" is enough for now, and you can explain more later if you want to. If people care about you, they'll understand and let it be. If they push the matter, "it doesn't serve me, so I'm not doing it" will do. How many times have people said no to you? Did your world collapse? Did the earth stop turning? No, it didn't — and it won't when you say no either, but you'll feel a weight lift once you realise you stood up for yourself.
Stay away from drama and negativity
We all have that one friend or family member who we could call the Dyson, because they suck the energy out of every conversation with their negative outlook and misery. A good rule of thumb: don't ask them how they're doing if you're not ready for the whole rundown of how the world is against them and everyone else is at fault. It's draining, and it has a real knock-on effect on your mood and emotional balance. If they're family and you can't avoid the conversation entirely, try steering it elsewhere — negative minds tend to avoid positive conversation on their own. You have your own problems, issues and things to work through right now, and that has to be the priority — this is about self-protection and self-care.
The point of this article has one aim: to remind you that happiness comes from changing things from within. Small victories, combined, are what let us win the bigger battle when we're looking after ourselves. This is designed to give you back a little control, a sense of achievement, and the belief that this can be fought — it's not forever, and it can change. If I could take your pain away and give you that right now, I would. In this fight there's no lift to the top, only stairs, so a little hard work and persistence on your part now will go a long, long way. Five small victories can add up to a much bigger overall change, so let's try something different and give it a go. Come on — what have you really got to lose by at least giving it a bash?
Mullins Therapy works with people through Anxiety HIT, a therapy approach designed to help reduce and manage anxiety.
Listen to these words and believe them: this is for every person who's suffering today. I have real respect for the strength, spirit and fight you've shown.
We have only just begun.
With love, Mullins Therapy
Mullins Therapy is a multi-award winning relationship and anxiety practice with offices in Central Scotland and Dubai, UAE.
