Anxiety sufferers face a daily battle with the emotions that make them suffer. Just because you can't see the pain from the outside doesn't make it any less real.
Think of it this way: if you saw someone with a broken leg struggling to cross the road, you wouldn't say "that's fake" or "shake it off." Just because we can't see something on the outside doesn't mean it isn't as debilitating as a broken bone. We all have the empathy to help, assist and guide someone no matter what the pain, physical or emotional.
One of the biggest factors in all of this is the words anxiety sufferers use to talk to themselves — so the words the people around them use matter too. Here are the top ten things anxiety sufferers really don't need to hear. They don't help, and they can do more harm than good.
What not to say
- "Calm down." This implies they have a choice over how they're feeling. If it were as easy as saying something and then doing it, no one would suffer from anxiety. Telling someone to calm down actually makes things worse, because it reinforces that they have no control over it in that moment.
- "Suck it up." Taking the tough-love route with someone who has anxiety rarely works. They're already feeling like the world is spinning and they can't control their thoughts, feelings or emotions, so being abrupt and trying to make them toughen up has the opposite effect.
- "Some people have much worse problems than you — anxiety is nothing." You don't have their anxiety, so you don't get to decide how much it matters. Belittling their experience alongside their anxiety is nonsense either way. Someone with anxiety usually isn't in a position to weigh their pain against anyone else's. They're too caught up trying to get a handle on their own to worry about the wider world.
- "Give yourself a shake, it can't be that bad." Shake what, exactly — our mind, our emotions, our thoughts? You're asking them to shake off something that can't be shaken off. It's frustrating, and more than a little unhelpful, to hear this from someone who has never experienced it.
- "It's all in your head, there's nothing wrong with you." Of course it's in your head — that's where our thoughts, feelings and emotions come from. Saying there's nothing wrong with them makes things worse, and is one of the main reasons anxiety sufferers withdraw from people around them.
- "I don't see what the big deal is, we all have anxiety." We do all feel anxious sometimes — but that's not the same as living with an anxiety disorder. Ordinary anxiety comes, does its job, and goes. Someone with an anxiety disorder doesn't get that. Imagine the stomach-churning, overthinking feeling you get before something stressful — now multiply it by a hundred and live with it every day. That's closer to what they're dealing with. Comparing it to your own occasional nerves, or saying how you'd feel in their position, isn't the same thing — it just risks making them worry, panic and feel even more upset.
- "Here we go again" / "this is getting old now." This is one sure way to make sure the person never opens up to you again, and never seeks help or support. When they do finally get their anxiety under control, don't be surprised if you've become surplus to requirements in their circle — and rightly so.
- "Have a drink, that will help." It really won't. Alcohol may relax you slightly, but it tends to enhance whatever mood you're already in — like pouring petrol on a fire to put it out. People with mood disorders are also more likely to develop an addiction if they use it as a coping mechanism.
- "You need to try harder." They probably are trying — telling them their effort isn't enough will make them feel worse, because right now any effort or focus they put into getting better is a genuine achievement, even if it doesn't look like much from the outside. Just because you don't see it as a big deal doesn't mean it isn't one to them.
- "I know how you feel." Unless you've experienced an anxiety disorder yourself, this can come across as dismissive. Telling someone that doing what worked for you (going to the gym, seeing friends) will fix it for them too can push them towards the very things that trigger them further. Anxiety disorders can bring impending doom, guilt, shame, crying and panic attacks. Facing everything at once, before someone is ready, does more damage than good.
How to help instead
These are some of the things to avoid when trying to support someone with anxiety. Instead, show compassion, love and support, and offer to help in a way they're comfortable with. Look into self-help and therapy options for them, help with day-to-day things like shopping, and do what you can to ease the burden without adding pressure.
Anxiety is one of the hardest things to live with, and you can make a real difference to someone simply by avoiding blanket statements like the ones above. Someone you help this way is likely to remember it long after they've moved past the anxiety that's doing so much damage now.
Mullins Therapy is one of the leading anxiety practices in central Scotland, and all views and opinions expressed here are our own.
