Every thought starts out as a word — that internal dialogue we use to guide ourselves through everyday life. The process is simple: words lead to thoughts, and thoughts lead to emotions.
We're emotionally led beings. That emotional state guides us and shapes what kind of day we're going to have, from the moment we open our eyes in the morning. How many times have you woken up to a heavy, dark feeling in the pit of your stomach — and that feeling alone set the tone for the whole day?
How your inner dialogue shapes your emotions
We use words every day, with ourselves and with others — it's how we communicate how we feel and what we think. How we speak to ourselves is just as important as how we speak to others, and it's often the part we forget. We get so focused on people-pleasing or fitting in that we forget the most important person in our life is us. If we're not happy, content, at peace and balanced ourselves, it's much harder to make sure the people around us are.
You can't make someone feel something you're not feeling yourself. Let's look at exactly how our internal dialogue can influence and control our emotional state.
Try this exercise
Find somewhere comfortable to sit and give yourself a few moments of peace. Once you're settled, take a really deep breath, and as you exhale, let every muscle drop, slowing your breathing to a steady rate.
Notice the old feeling
Close your eyes and think of a time when you faced a difficulty in life, or a problem or situation that didn't sit comfortably with you. Remember the feelings you had — sadness, worry, stress, fear, uncertainty, or anxiety. Notice what you observed in that moment, what you heard, and how it felt. Fill in the surrounding details: what time of year was it, what environment were you in, who was with you? Now scale that feeling from 1 to 10, and make a note of it.
Build the new feeling
Take a moment to let that whole process drain from your mind, as long as you need, almost like letting water out of a bath.
Once you're clear, think of a version of life that's anxiety-free — a holiday, a meal, time with family or friends, anywhere at all. Look at that anxiety-free version of yourself and notice the smile you're wearing. Notice how much lighter you look, how free, how much healthier. Really focus on the level of contentment and happiness you feel. Who's with you? What are you doing? Listen to the compliments the people who know the old you are giving you: "You look amazing." "I knew you'd do this." "You look like a different person."
Let that sit with you for 30–40 seconds, then write down how you feel now. Notice it's different from the previous feeling. You, as a person, haven't changed — but the words you used with yourself have. That internal dialogue is powerful enough to shape your emotional state, and you've just changed it in a couple of minutes.
We can retrain how we talk to ourselves
So how do we make this a lasting pattern rather than a one-off? The good news is we've already shown it's possible to adapt our patterns and thoughts through words. When you were born, you arrived with only two fears already built in: loud noises and falling. Everything else (including how you're used to talking to yourself) has been learned along the way. Somewhere along the line, many of us picked up a habit of harsh internal dialogue, and it can be unlearned in the same way it was learned.
Imagine you've been put in charge of guiding a young person from childhood to adulthood, and your main tools are your words and the actions that go with them.
Option one is to focus on every mistake and use language like: you can't do that, you're going to fail, don't even bother trying, you're not good enough, you won't ever understand that, accept your place in life.
Option two is to focus on love, compassion, understanding, growth and learning, with language like: if you don't try, you won't know. Nothing is a failure, everything is a learning opportunity. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You are enough as you are.
Option one does real damage — knocking confidence, causing self-doubt, and making someone afraid to try. Option two builds self-esteem, gives a sense of the bigger picture, and creates the confidence to attempt things, knowing they have your understanding if it goes wrong.
So the question is: why treat yourself like option one? We genuinely believe what we tell ourselves — we rarely lie to ourselves, and when we do, we usually spot it straight away. If you speak to yourself like option one often enough, you'll come to believe statements like "this anxiety is controlling my life," because repeated self-talk becomes a belief, and beliefs need to be actively challenged and changed.
Speak to yourself the way you'd speak to someone you love
Try treating and speaking to yourself today the way you would if you were responsible for a young person's, or a loved one's, emotional wellbeing — with love, compassion, understanding and patience. If we wouldn't say it to someone we love, we shouldn't say it to ourselves. Everything we do becomes pattern and habit, and right now, for many of us, that pattern is set the wrong way.
Happiness comes by change, not by chance. If what you've been doing until now hasn't shifted how you feel, it's worth trying something different — you may be surprised by how the world looks when you treat yourself with more care.
Try this in the mirror
If today has started on a difficult note, try this: find a mirror, one where you can see your own eyes clearly. Look at yourself, focus on your expression, and repeat, out loud if you can:
"I do not know what's coming my way today, but I do know that I control it, and I will give this day every ounce of energy, focus and fight I have in me."
Say it again, a little louder. And again. Say it with as much passion and drive as you can find, and notice the look in your eyes changing, your expression getting stronger as your emotional state shifts with the affirmation.
Mullins Therapy always works from the inside out, and we never give in.
