First of all, let me just start by saying this isn’t an easy thing to do.
No matter how well prepared you think you are, or how over it you think you may be, if there is still an element of love and compassion inside you, this can hurt like hell, even if you are the one walking away.
So let’s buckle up and look at the steps we need to take and how we need to look at this in order to do it with dignity, grace and self-respect and, most importantly, with our sanity intact.
The choice is already made
When someone decides to leave a relationship, this often isn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing. You may have already left emotionally and be waiting to do the hard part: come out with it and walk away.
This has already been decided, and you may or may not talk yourself out of it for a while. Eventually, though, your feelings and emotions are going to take over, and you are left with two choices: walk or stay. Do we keep up the false pretence and keep pulling and dragging our own feelings and emotions down to the point where we start to become depressed, sad, lonely, lost or confused? Or do we put ourselves and our loved ones first and work towards a happy, bright future for all involved?
Remember, this article is for you if you have decided that leaving is the right thing for you. I fully understand that it is never nice to walk away from someone who may or may not be in love with you, but we have to take our own feelings and emotions seriously when thinking about our long-term happiness.
Remember, your happiness matters too. At this point, we need to do what’s right for us without letting worry about the other person’s feelings and thoughts make the decision for us. We are at this point in the relationship for a reason. Remember that.
Pick your moment
Not everything is black and white, and some people react worse than others. You have to be prepared mentally for what’s coming from the other person. Some people will say nothing and simply accept it, as they knew this was coming. Some people will get angry, shout and smash things, and others will simply cry and beg you for a second chance. Everyone is different, and you will know what kind of person your partner is.
For me, I was worried about backlash from my partner, including false accusations or her having a breakdown, calling the police and getting me arrested. I decided to wait until my partner went to work, packed a bag and walked away. That was the best option for me. Had she been more level-headed and controlled, I would happily have done it face to face, but that wasn’t the situation I found myself in.
You need to consider their reactions and temperament in this situation, while remembering that you cannot predict them with certainty. If it could turn nasty or get violent, I am telling you: do not put yourself at risk by doing it face to face. Get support from someone you trust or a domestic abuse service to plan how to leave safely. Avoid announcing your decision in the heat of an argument if that could put you at risk.
If it is safe and you can both discuss it calmly, a face-to-face conversation with mutual understanding can be possible. As adults, we like to think everyone is capable of this, but in reality, we are not. Don’t keep putting it off while waiting for the perfect moment, but do give yourself the time and support you need to leave safely. This is you walking away from someone; there is no perfect moment for this.
Stay strong, stay focused
Let’s be honest: you should have sat and thought all this through time and time again. This isn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing. With that being said, it is important to say what needs to be said, keep focused on why we are doing this and make it as short and clear as possible.
Regardless of why the relationship broke down, the other person may be hurting, in shock and confused. You have made the choice, you have stated why, and you haven’t gone out of your way to hurt or belittle them. Hours and hours of trying to talk you round, begging, pleading and pulling on your heartstrings do not mean you have to change your decision.
Do not let them emotionally blackmail you or try to force you to keep going through guilt. This is only going to make it worse in the long run, and you may lose even more respect for them.
Have your fallbacks in place
Again, you have sat down and asked yourself a million questions, and you have still come up with the same answer. So stop focusing on what you already know and focus on your fallback plan.
If you live with each other, who is moving out? If you are, where are you going? Do you have family to support you? Do you have children’s needs to put first? Finances, travel, family, education and work: you need to sit down and get all of these things in order to ensure you’re not just walking into the darkness in that respect. Like it or not, this can be emotionally draining and hurtful for you too.
You have prepared for this mentally, so make sure you have the practical side of your life in order too.
Remember the end goal
We aren’t doing this to hurt anyone. In fact, that’s the last thing on your mind when this is happening. We are doing this for our own wellbeing and happiness. We need certain things in a relationship, and if your partner isn’t fulfilling them, and you’re not in love or happy with them, then why are you still with them? Why are their feelings more important than yours? The simple answer is that they aren’t.
We all deserve a happy ever after. We all deserve proper contentment and love. If the person you are with isn’t giving you these things, and you have decided the relationship is no longer right for you, you can choose to walk away.
Life is a one-shot deal. It’s not a rehearsal, and you’re not getting another go at it. It is for living with love, happiness and joy, and so many people miss out on that because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. What about your feelings, needs and emotions? They matter too, plain and simple.
Embrace the pain
As I mentioned at the start, the end of a relationship, no matter what it was like, can hurt emotionally. You may feel hurt and sad that you caused someone pain. You may also feel relief, numbness or a mixture of emotions. None of these reactions makes you any less human.
You may feel guilty and second-guess yourself. When that happens, take a second, sit down and ask the following question: “Was I in a good place, content and happy in the relationship?” If the answer is no, remember why you made your decision.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions of a break-up, even if you were the one to end it. Keep the end goal in sight, and keep focused on what you want as well as any responsibilities you still share. Your wellbeing matters. It may take time, but you can move forward and work towards what you’re looking for.
Don’t look back
Don’t overthink. If you have decided it is for the best and what you want, the hard part is done. Don’t keep looking back and wondering, “What if?” You gave it your all, and it didn’t work out. We can sit and focus on the future, make plans and be proactive, or we can sit for hours on end reliving it all.
Do you have friends you lost touch with or activities you couldn’t do in the relationship? If so, they should be among the first things you bring back into your life. Did you want a holiday? Did you want to try a different path in life? Well, now is the time to reach for the stars, keep busy and move forward.
This may seem cruel, but creating distance, including blocking or deleting contact where it is safe and appropriate, can help you move forward. If you share children or other responsibilities, you may need a safe, limited way to communicate. If they try to derail your life by spreading rumours, sending hate mail or contacting friends or family, seek support. If there are threats or harassment, keep a record and get advice about how to stay safe.
Do not give false hope or string anyone along. If you agree it is for the best, then that’s perfect. Don’t feel you have to remain friends, especially if it makes things messy or keeps either of you from moving forward. You do not have to respond to every attempt to draw you back in.
The good thing about moving forward is that we don’t have to look back in order to get there. Remember, it’s the opposite direction.
