Over the next few weeks we're going to pay attention to the vital pillars of relationship success, and the first one we'll look at is relationship communication. This is one of the most important, because without it things can go from bad to worse in an instant, leading to other common problems such as anger, jealousy, lack of trust and envy — and eventually a breakdown of the relationship. Let me show you why.
It's more than just talking
When we hear "relationship communication," the first thing that springs to mind is talking — but that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more to healthy relationship communication than the words we say. How many people, when they have to have a talk with their other half, think about the following?
- Eye contact
- Body language
- Attitude
- The delivery
- Listening (not just to the positive parts)
- Tone of voice
- What the other person is feeling
- What actions your words are going to have
- Temperament
- The emotions involved in the conversation
All of these basic things, together, define relationship communication — and if we get them wrong, or pay lip service to them, the effects can be detrimental to the whole relationship. So let's look at how we can get it right.
Talk face to face
In this day and age we have so many different ways to communicate — phone, text, email, social media, messaging apps. The list is endless. But at times we run the risk of losing something by not using the first form of communication we ever knew: good old-fashioned talking, one on one, face to face, with openness and honesty at the fore.
If you have something to say, don't make the token effort of messaging it — the person you're with deserves more respect than a text or email if you're in a position to sit down with them. You can't judge how a conversation is going if you can't see the other person, and nine times out of ten, texts and emails get misread, or their meaning gets lost. That's where clarity becomes vital. Don't be lazy — if it's an option, always talk face to face.
Choose your timing
They say timing is everything, and for the most part that's right. So you have a burning issue that's been on your mind all day, and you want an answer to it. Your partner arrives home and straight away you dive right in — please don't. Instead, ask yourself: how has their day been, how are they feeling, is right now really the best time for a deep and meaningful conversation?
If they've been looking after the children all day, or been at work, they're more than likely tired, stressed, or just drained after a long day. Slow down, pick a better time — once the kids are asleep, once they've had a bath or some dinner and relaxed. Walking in the door to be bombarded with questions or hour-long conversations puts the other person on edge straight away, and the conversation is doomed from the start.
Don't attack or presume
We used to say in the military that "presumption is the mother of all cock-ups," and how true that is here. When you've sat up all night, or been alone all day with just your thoughts, you'll always try to convince yourself of the worst — and not everything is as it seems.
Think clearly about the conversation you want to have and the answers you're looking for. Try to ask leading questions where you can, so the conversation flows from one part to the next rather than feeling abrupt. Never ask a question that can be answered with a straight yes or no — it won't get you the answer you actually need, and will only lead to more questions. Breathe, relax, and control your emotions as best you can. If you're rude or aggressive, that's what you'll get back.
Remember, words are one of the few things in life that can't be taken back — once they're said, they stay said. Don't say anything in anger to hurt someone that might not be true. A sorry and a cup of tea, once you've made up, won't undo the fact that the words are now firmly in the other person's head, and they won't be going away any time soon. Most damage is done to a relationship in anger.
Be honest
Agree to be honest. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it's the key to a healthy relationship. Admit that you aren't always perfect, and apologise when you make a mistake instead of making excuses — you'll feel better, and it will help strengthen your relationship. If you're about to do something that will cause issues in the relationship, that's a safe sign it's not a good idea. This is the most important part of this article, and I can't stress enough the importance of honesty. Trust breaks down quickly once you start being dishonest, and as we already know: no trust means no relationship.
Watch your body language
Let your partner know you're really in the room by giving them your full attention — sit up, face them, and make eye contact when speaking. Don't take a phone call, text, or play on your phone when you're talking. Show your partner you respect them by listening and responding.
Listen
After you tell your partner how you feel, remember to stop talking and listen to what they have to say. You both deserve the opportunity to express how you feel in a safe, healthy environment. Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings being discussed — it shows your partner you're listening properly and thinking about the conversation. Being in the room and listening properly are two very different things.
Communicating isn't always easy. Some of these things may feel unnatural or awkward to start with, but they can help you communicate better and build a stronger relationship.
It's your life. So live it.
