How many people sit and think about the one that got away, or dream about the love they let go of, for whatever reason? Around 80% of people wish they'd held on, or made more effort in a relationship they gave up on or gave away. I'm no different, and once walked away from someone because, at the time, I thought it wasn't for me.
So how do we move on, how do we recover, when we can never fully forget? That's okay too — never forgetting the moments and happiness you once shared with someone doesn't mean you haven't moved on. As Alfred, Lord Tennyson once wrote:
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Moving on doesn't mean you stop having a place in your heart for someone. Plenty of people reconnect with lost loves years later, in different countries and different circumstances — the simple message is that it's never too late, if it's meant to be. But waiting on the call, message or email is often fruitless, because sometimes it just never comes. So let's look at how to move forward.
Don't dwell
When it ends, it's tempting to dwell on what you did wrong, or what you could have done differently, as if that might somehow change things. It really can't — all dwelling does is cause more suffering. Focus instead on the good things in your current life: the friends who are there for you, and the lessons you've learned that will help in future relationships. It can help to share what happened and how you handled it with someone you trust — that's often where the real learning comes from. The past can't be changed, however much we want it to. All you have is today, so put your energy and focus there instead. If something is truly meant for you, it will come back.
Forgive yourself
You got it wrong, you made mistakes, and you've hurt people who loved you, and you them. It sounds difficult, but forgiveness has to start with you. We're only human, and relationships don't come with a manual — you can't always get it right, and at some point you will get it wrong. It's okay to get it wrong. What isn't okay is punishing yourself for it, day after day.
Reach out
This is the part where your emotions are really tested, because how you handle it affects how it's received. Before "moving on" can happen, it often helps to reach out and set the record straight for any mistakes on your part — admit any wrongdoing, and let the other person know you regret and apologise for anything that contributed to the relationship ending. It's important to only do this once you're ready, and once you've forgiven yourself for your part in it — you need to be able to move on with a clean slate, and that only really happens once you've apologised for what happened.
Don't be upset if they've also moved on and started fresh. Remember, it was you who wanted this. If you still love them, it's fine to want good things for them, even if you couldn't be the one to give it — just because you couldn't deliver it doesn't mean someone else can't, so do the right thing. The pain you feel is normal, so embrace it and let yourself feel it, and remember we all learn from our mistakes.
Don't think of your time together as lost
Whatever you did together (a holiday somewhere beautiful, laughter at the strangest moments, tears when you least expected them) those experiences let you live and feel real love, however long it lasted. Love can last a day or a decade, and once experienced for what it truly is, it was never wasted. However long you waited to feel that kind of love, and however long it lasted, the fact that you felt it at all means it was worthwhile.
Letting go is a work in progress
You loved, you lost, and yet here you are — still standing, still breathing, still moving forward. Life won't fall apart because you still hold love for someone in your heart, and it won't give up on you because you made mistakes or lost someone you loved. You're a work in progress, as long as you learn from your mistakes rather than let them shape your future. It's not all bad news either: reaching out is sometimes met by the other person reaching out too. If you truly love someone, it's okay to let them go and move on — and moving on doesn't mean you ever have to forget them.
