A common theme comes up again and again: people complaining that they never attract a decent partner, and that they keep being cheated on, lied to or messed around, only for the relationship to falter and fail almost as quickly as it began. Having your heart broken at least once in life is something most of us go through — it's a learning process that teaches valuable lessons and builds empathy and compassion, even though it rarely feels that way at the time.
If it keeps happening as a pattern across every relationship, it's worth looking at what you're attracting in a partner, and what you're willing to accept from the outset.
What you put out is what you attract
There's a saying that you get back what you put out in life, and it's as true for relationships as it is for anything else. Go in with low expectations, and that's exactly what you're likely to get.
Know your own standards
Write down your expectations. What are you willing to accept in a partner, and what are you willing to compromise on? A good place to start is your own values: loyalty, respect, trust, mutual understanding, shared interests and compatible family values. These matter for growing and learning together. If your standards and someone else's are too far apart, that gap tends to lead to resentment, isolation and a loss of trust over time. Look for the same qualities in a partner that you hold for yourself.
What you project is what you attract
If you're just out of a bad relationship, or haven't dealt with the fallout from one properly, you may be projecting negativity without realising it — and that tends to attract more of the same. Try not to move straight from one relationship to the next out of fear of being alone; being alone can be just as valuable as being in a relationship, giving you time to reflect and make any changes you feel you need. Therapy can be a helpful way to see things differently and work through unresolved issues. Confidence and self-respect tend to attract the same in return; low or negative energy tends to attract more of the same too.
Believe people when they show you who they are
Some people are good at projecting what you're looking for, without that really being who they are underneath — and they tend to slip up early, showing you who they actually are. Believe them, and act on it, rather than staying in the hope that things will change and risking more hurt later. Keep your own standards and expectations in mind, and don't deviate from them.
Slow down
When it's genuinely right, it can hit you hard and fast, and your gut feeling is usually worth trusting. But it's still worth taking time to get to know someone properly: talk, laugh, go out and do things you enjoy, and learn each other's habits, likes and dislikes. My own advice is to hold off on sleeping together for the first four weeks or so. It keeps sex from clouding your judgement or becoming the point of the relationship that early, and it shows you whether someone is interested in you or only in sex.
Learn to walk away
Do this with grace, dignity and self-respect. Fairly early on, you'll usually see what a partner has in store for the relationship. If it isn't what you want, walk away, rather than hoping they'll change into what you need them to be — people are who they are. If you're unhappy, you can either draw out the pain over several years before deciding to leave, or address it now, learn from it, and move forward.
Set the bar high from the start, and don't let people lower it. If someone isn't giving you what you're looking for, it really is that simple: let them go, take a breath, and go again.
