Ghosting: it's more about them than you.

The aim of this article is to guide you through ghosting.

You would be hard pressed not to come across anyone in life who hasn't been ghosted at some point. Ghosting someone can be very damaging, with little or no explanation, leaving the ghosted person confused, upset and asking a million questions — all starting with the word "why?"

So what is ghosting?

It essentially describes the abrupt end of a relationship, whatever stage it is at, due to one side cutting off all contact. So let's get a deeper insight into this modern dating phenomenon.

Ghosting eliminates any sense of closure, which begs the question: why are so many people turning to ghosting instead of having a frank, honest conversation? Here are the most common reasons.

1. Convenience. Sometimes, what's easy is prioritised. Having a more direct conversation to end a relationship can be unpleasant, takes energy and time, and means managing emotions. Ghosting is easier.
2. Faded attraction. People sometimes ghost out of boredom, loss of interest, or a decrease in attraction. Getting out early, without much effort, can seem like an appealing way to end things.
3. Undesirable interactions. People sometimes ghost a new partner when that person offends them or does something off-putting. A new dislike can make the idea of a direct "let's end this" conversation highly unappealing — better to ghost than to talk.
4. Safety. Someone might quickly notice it isn't in their best interest to keep talking to another person. If someone becomes "creepy" or unsettling, ending all communication abruptly, without explanation, can be an important safety strategy.
5. A better offer. A common reason is that the person was keeping their options open, and once they decided which option they preferred, the others were ghosted rather than told honestly. It's easier to avoid a conversation than have it.
6. Emotional unavailability due to a mental health condition. Those living with depression may feel they lack the energy to maintain connections, and may self-isolate as a result. Those living with bipolar disorder may increase contact during a higher mood and pull away during a lower one. People living with avoidant personality disorder crave connection, but an intense fear of judgment and rejection in new relationships can cause them to pull back rather than move closer — something reassurance or charm alone rarely changes. It takes therapy to manage.

The impact of ghosting

For many people, ghosting results in feelings of being disrespected, used and disposable. If you knew the person beyond a few dates, it can be even more traumatic. When someone we trust disengages from us, it feels like a deep betrayal.

• "I felt like an idiot. Like I had been played a fool. And more so, I felt disrespected. To have a great connection with a new friend and then all of a sudden never hear from them again? That's painful and really disappointing. No one deserves to be blown off."
• "It still felt a bit like someone had punched me in the gut when it happened. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes a hit."
• "Going from texting every day and seeing each other a couple of times a week to nothing, without the slightest hint of why, was a kick in the gut."
• "Ghosting is one of the cruellest forms of torture dating can serve up."

Why does it feel so bad?

Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. Alongside that biological link, there are some specific factors about ghosting that add to the psychological distress.

Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? Should you be upset? You don't know how to react because you don't really know what has happened. Staying connected to others matters so much to us that our brains have evolved a social monitoring system that scans for cues, so we know how to respond in social situations. Ghosting deprives you of those usual cues and can leave you feeling out of control.

One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn't just cause you to question the relationship — it causes you to question yourself. Why didn't I see this coming? What did I do to cause this? This self-questioning comes from the same systems that monitor our social standing and relay that information back to us as feelings of self-worth. When a rejection happens, self-esteem can drop, which some psychologists see as a signal that social belonging feels low. If you've been through multiple ghostings, or your self-esteem is already low, the rejection can feel even more painful, and take longer to get over.

What to do when you've been ghosted

Understand that closure is overrated — even if they gave you a reason, you probably wouldn't accept it, and would still be in the same position. Accept that no reason is really acceptable for being ghosted. That says something about them, not about you.

How do you move forward? You need self-compassion and self-care. Invest time with friends and family who can support you. You might indulge in activities that make you happy, like a class you enjoy, or returning to a hobby you love. You can also try homeopathic treatments or acupuncture.

Elena Klimenko, MD and Integrative Medicine Specialist, sometimes uses a "broken heart" homeopathic treatment for heartfelt loss. She says: "In traditional Chinese medicine like acupuncture, the heart meridian, which starts at the heart and runs to the armpits, then down each arm, is responsible for heartfelt matters and some deep emotions. Proper acupuncture treatment can also facilitate recovery and take the edge off the difficult feelings."

When you think of the person who ghosted you, reframe your ideas about them and the relationship. After all, they are the one who fell short of what it takes to be in a mature, healthy relationship — mutual respect, good communication and thoughtfulness. This wasn't the right person for you, anyway.

Your final job is to go back out into the world, love yourself, and be the very best version of yourself. You are kind, caring and respectful, and that really is enough to get you through a day. People will only ever treat you how you allow them to. Raise your standards, raise your game, and they will never be able to hurt you like that again.

You've got this.

Love always, Kevin