We go into new relationships with excitement and high hopes that this one might be the last one — but it doesn't always work out that way. We've looked previously at how we communicate in relationships, and the outcomes, good and bad, that follow. So how do we make sure we don't repeat the same mistakes, attract the same type of person, or end up with a broken heart again?
We can't predict the future. But we can do something different, and build a relationship on what it should actually be built on: respect, trust, understanding and compassion. Here's a guide to building a relationship on more than attraction or physical intimacy.
Slow down on intimacy
The idea is simple: no intimacy for at least the first month, with a minimum of five dates in between, before that subject is even raised — and this applies equally to everyone. Have you noticed how people often seem to change once intimacy is on the table? The effort of getting to know someone, and of being a good date, can drop away quickly once it happens, because intimacy can create a false sense of closeness before real understanding has actually developed. Taking that off the table for a while means you can get to know someone properly, without the pressure. At the very first conversation, mentioning this rule up front tends to show you a lot about the other person's intentions.
A few things to remember as you start out:
Be yourself, don't wear a mask
Trying to sound smarter or better than you believe you are takes real effort to sustain, and it's a constant reminder that you're not being true to yourself. Be open and honest from the start, and let the other person know your values and standards. If you present as something you're not, it will become apparent — and it tends to go downhill from there.
Don't compare your new relationship with your ex
Doing this lets your past shape your future before you've given the present a chance. You have an opportunity to approach things differently this time, so go into it open-minded rather than jaded. An ex belongs in the past for a reason — stay open-minded, and you might be surprised by what happens.
Set your boundaries from the start
Let the other person know you're taking things slowly — getting to know them as a person, and seeing whether you're a good match, rather than rushing into intimacy. Feelings, thoughts and a genuine connection tend to develop given time, and if you do decide to take the next step, it tends to feel far more meaningful for having waited.
Stay independent and happy in your own right
Don't rely on someone else to be in charge of your happiness or your free time. Make your own plans and stick to them, rather than waiting on someone else for your sense of wellbeing — you're in charge of your own happiness.
And finally
Keep the focus on getting to know the person you're dating, however much fun you're having. Physical intimacy is a natural part of a relationship, but there's no need to rush it — doing so early can overshadow everything else. Relax, take your time, and enjoy dating without the pressure.
