After the last post, we had a lot of questions about the do's and don'ts when a conversation isn't going the way you expected. We can't speak for what the other person says or how they behave, but we can guide you on what to watch for once the talking starts. Like the four horsemen of the apocalypse, these four things will kill a conversation quicker than it began, and are worth avoiding at all costs.
Criticism
When you criticise your partner, you're implying that something is wrong with them — you've taken a problem between you and put it inside their character. Phrases like "you always" or "you never" are common ways to criticise. Your partner is likely to feel under attack and respond defensively, which is a dangerous pattern: neither person feels heard, and both may start to feel bad about themselves in the other's company. The antidote to criticism is a direct complaint that isn't a global attack on your partner's personality.
Being defensive
When you try to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter-complaint, you're being defensive. Acting like an innocent victim is another form of it. Defensiveness stops partners taking responsibility for problems and escalates negative communication — even if your partner is criticising you, being defensive will only fuel a bad exchange. The antidote is to try to hear your partner's complaint and take some responsibility for the problem.
Contempt
Contempt is any statement or behaviour that puts you on higher ground than your partner — mocking them, calling them names, rolling your eyes or sneering in disgust are all examples. Of the four, contempt is the most serious: these kinds of put-downs destroy the fondness and admiration between partners. The antidote is to lower your tolerance for contemptuous statements and behaviour, and to actively build a culture of appreciation in the relationship. It isn't easy, but it can be done.
Stonewalling — shutting down
Stonewalling happens when the listener withdraws from the conversation — they might physically leave, or simply stop tracking what's being said and appear to shut down. It can look like they don't care, but that usually isn't the case. More often, they're overwhelmed and trying to calm themselves. Unfortunately this rarely lands well, because the other partner is likely to assume they don't care enough to talk about it, creating a cycle of one person wanting to talk and the other looking for an escape. The antidote is to learn to spot the signs that you or your partner are becoming emotionally overwhelmed, and to agree together to take a break — then come back to the conversation once you're both calmer.
I hope this helps the next time a conversation starts to go off track. Have a great day, whatever you're doing.
